so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
