are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
please come you make the beer taste better
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
