did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
