Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i think i scared a bird with my dick
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
