have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
