remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
