If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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