You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
