Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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