1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
