wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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