My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
