Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
