dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
