he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Someone came in the potted fern
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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