How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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