Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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