I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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