Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
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His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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