Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
