Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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