i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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