by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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