You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
be right there i have to get my cape
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
