either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
