Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
