listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
