So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
