guys are only as good as the porn they watch
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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