Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
