I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
