I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
