i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
