I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.