She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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