i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
