Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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