My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I can tuck mytits in my pants
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You pole danced in your parka.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
