I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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