I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
