I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
