just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Acid is not a monday night drug
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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