You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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