Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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