Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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