If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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