when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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