we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Bring me that man meat
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
