1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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