I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
