so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
