After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
