so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
