A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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