The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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